entry 001: you don’t need closure.

i once was getting to know this guy who lived in another state. we met through mutual friends, and he occasionally flirted with me, trying to get my attention when we were all out together. we talked here and there, but i didn’t think much of it.

after some years of his advances, i considered getting to know him better. when we weren’t in each other’s vicinity we texted and called here and there, but our main communication method was snapchat (sigh).

he visited me once, and i visited him once. we met each other’s friends and showed each other around our respective cities.

though i enjoyed our time together, we weren’t really on the same page. he acted differently depending on who we were around. around my friends, he was affectionate and attentive. around his friends, he was distant and i could tell he was testing me somehow.

once, when we were out at a bar, some random tried to talk to me, so i got his attention, hoping he would shoo the guy away. instead, the random guy erupted “oh this is you?!” gesturing to me. and they dapped each other up… i didn’t think much of it at the time.

after our last visit, we fell off, not texting or calling anymore, just a snapchat here and there.

about a month after we last chatted, i get a text from him, “so when are you coming back to my city?”

what happened to hi? what happened to hello how’s your summer?

disgusted, i blocked him everywhere.

i felt like i was just a body to him. i thought back to the time at the bar, and it all made sense.

i stood strong on my decision, especially when he tried to get my attention by sending me a venmo payment to send me a message (he deadass sent 10 cents). and when he spray painted my name on some alleyway, my friend sent me a photo and we cracked up.

some months go by, and i began to feel badly for the way i ended things.

was i too harsh? sure, the connection wasn’t there but surely i could have given him some grace and politely offered closure about the situation.

i ruminated over this for a few days. of course, i wasn’t going to double back and issue some apology, but i did question the morality of how i went about the situation. i mean, i practically ghosted him. truthfully, i think i was worried about not being “nice enough.”

one night, i had a dream about it. i dreamed that we talked, and that i sincerely apologized for the way i reacted and ended things so abruptly. but he didn’t care.

he kept pursuing me using the same empty flattery he offered me in the beginning.

i woke up stunned. i was worried for nothing. instead of remembering the ways we weren’t aligned, and how off i felt in some moments we were together, i was feeling badly about knowing my worth.

my silence was my closure as well as his.

my first reaction was my true one, and the “closure” the situation needed was served. my subconscious understood that he didn’t see my true worth, and reminded me through a dream. there was no need to look back and wonder “what if” because i made the right decision.

your true reaction to disrespect is the right one and all the closure you need is in the disrespect you faced.